hayoon & sungjin || third step (to the stage)

The rest of the week flies away like a moment. Like we have been practicing the steps one minute and then the next we are in the backstage of the first live show, I can't even comprehend how fast this whole things went by. I guess this is how those trainees feel who have to go through survival shows. We only had monthly evaluations back then which was indeed enough time to prepare with something that could show our improvement but to put together a whole new performance and learn it perfectly in the matter of a week is pretty intense. All my respect to those out there who do it constantly. Like noona, for whom it's not even the first show like this and unlike me she doesn't only have to learn the choreography but come up with it too.
Even though I'm used to performing both in concerts and live music shows, there's a first time for everything and this dance show makes me more nervous than I would like to admit. I don't want to cause disappointment neither to our fans, nor Cecily who is the best mentor I could have ever wished for. She really is a professional, each of her dance movements show that, the elegance and grace she has is breathtaking. Furthermore, she's patient and good at explaining, so our practices went by pretty smoothly because I found it easy to follow her instructions and also knew that it's not a sign of weakness to ask her to repeat a sequence.
I'm busy texting my bandmates when the door opens and noona steps into the room in her stage outfit. We had a dressed up rehearsal this morning but right now she has her hair and makeup done professionally which only adds to the effect. She looks mesmerizing even though in my humble opinion she absolutely doesn't need that much product on her face to look beautiful. I have found her pretty when we met up for practice as well and I don't think she's the type to wear too much extra for those occasions.
"Wow, noona... just wow..." I stand up from my chair, looking at her, phone long forgotten and yepp, that's exactly what I can tell her with my jaw dropped.
I try not to stare impolitely, so I avert my gaze to the television screen in the room where the couple before us is shown. We will be next and I'm not sure how to feel about it. On one hand I'm glad we will be up and done with it soon which mean we can basically relax and enjoy the rest of the show but on the other hand, my minds keeps attacking me with steps I should know but somehow I can't remember now. Luckily with the years of experience I know that's it's just the typical symptom of being nervous and my muscle memory will remember the dance moves when we are on the stage anyway.
"They are really good," I mumble looking at the other couple in awe but deep down I hope we are better.

This one week passes quickly, and working with Sungjin-ah is a dream already. I’m very relaxed throughout the days we have practices, he learns fast and always puts the effort in, gives his 100% into getting the movements right. It’s heartwarming to see how passionate he is and cares deeply about our performance. I don’t want to make a quick statement and then regret it if it proves me otherwise, but no one has made my worries go away so far as fast as Sungjin did, it even surprised me for a split second that a young boy like him has so much respect and commitment to the task he is given, which is dancing on a whole new level now. He could have easily thought that ballroom dancing is embarrassing in his age and he is just in it for the show and good publicity. I’m very happy he isn’t just another pretty face with a bad attitude and empty head.
One week is nowhere near enough to teach him everything he needs to know about professional dancing (it’s not just him, this fact applies to everyone) , but at the end of our last practice session before the live show, I’m very satisfied with the result. Looking at Sungjin’s talent and monitoring other contestants as well, I don’t think we are going home tonight, and if he keeps up the good work, we could get an impressive result. He is one out of the two partners I felt I could win the show with, but of course knowing that the ranking depends on many things beside pure talent and luck, so I don’t have high expectations towards him, I just want him to enjoy our journey during this season as much as I do.
Since we are dancing the foxtrot to a very fierce song tonight, our stylists and makeup artists decide to turn us into an equally fierce couple using the vivid shades of red and black, the amount of makeup they use is a bit much to my taste and liking, but I can’t deny that the outcome is beautiful and unique. They are some very talented people who always seem to know how to make each couple and person unique in their own way without having anyone matching pieces and appearances. It has something to do with the dance styles as well since not everyone got the same thing and vibe, but still, our staff is amazing.
My clothes are a bit daring, but in this show, when are they not? Luckily though they know that I’m basically allergic to my hair, I take very good care of it and they learned not to experiment with wild ideas that would do too much damage. Thus I only get beautiful braids with a red ribbon in between them. Looking into the mirror I like tonight’s outfit and appearance, and Sungjin-ah seems to like it as well when I step into the room.
“I hope you meant that in a good way, because it would be too late now for an outfit and makeup change," I chuckle, teasing him a bit as I walk next to him. It is my method to try not to blush under his intense stare, so I brush it off by not taking his reaction too seriously. I’m a grown-up woman and I still have the ability to blush? That’s quite new to me, but I’m not about to ponder over that right before going up on stage. I bet it’s just another ‘Sungjin thing’ I can add to the list I’ve made during the past week, he might not be a professional dancer, but he is definitely a pro at making me feel certain ways and stronger emotions.
“That outfit fits you perfectly though, most people look ridiculous wearing something like that, but it actually looks good on you.” I’m impressed to say the least. I was very curious to see him in his first outfit and even kept my fingers crossed for him to get a good one, and the result turned out to be very good. Now I totally get why everyone was gushing about his handsome features on the internet, these somewhat funny clothes just prove that he can really wear anything and still look great in it.
I join him to watch the other couple, and I have to agree with him, they are definitely good, but seeing it with a professional’s eyes, they’re still weak for such a catchy song and genre, though I would never say that out loud out of respect.
“Yes, they are,” I hum, clapping along with everyone when their performance is over and I know soon we’ll have to go get in position for our turn. “But I think we can do better. So let’s go kick some ass, partner!” I hold up my hand to high-five him just as there’s a knock on the door and a staff member peeking in to ask to follow her. While we are walking, my hand sneaks around his shoulder and I give some last advices to Sungjin-ah, trying to boost his confidence a little. “Just remember: try to enjoy it and don’t care about the mistakes we make, just carry on as if it never happened or try to make it look like we did that intentionally, who knows, they might buy it.” I know it’s not the right time to joke around, but I just want to get his tense muscles under my fingertips to relax, because yes, it’s a competition, but it doesn’t mean he can’t have fun while taking it seriously.
Before the lights are on again I whisper an enthusiastic ‘Good luck!’ to him, and give everything in when I hear Youngblood by 5 seconds of Summer starts to play.

I know that my earlier statement concerning her look wasn't really eloquent, so I'm not that surprised that noona uses this to her advantage and teases me about my reaction. Not that she should worry about how she looks around me. We both have seen each other tired and sweaty already this week, so there's no weird outfit or bad makeup that could make me me frown at this point I think. Not to mention that during our debut era I have already experienced terrible outfit choices and hair colours I have never thought I would wear.
"I indeed meant in a good way, very good actually. You look great," I rephrase my earlier, messy sentence into something more coherent and I wonder whether it's just her makeup or she really did blush at my compliment. Not long after it's my turn to receive praises about my looks which shouldn't be new considering how many female fans gush about my features during fansigns but still, it's different. Maybe it's because I'm not used to being complimented by people who actually know me and noona saying that this pretty bold choice of outfit looks good on me has me grinning from ear to ear.
"Thanks," I bob my head towards her showing my gratitude and like a shy schoolboy I concentrate on the TV instead of her closeness as we review the other couple's performance. I'm pretty proud when she says that she think we could even better and I hope that she's right. I know she wouldn't tell me that just to ease my nerves. She has been very honest about my performance so far, she has always told me if she found something to improve on and I am grateful for her insights because they help me a lot to work on these skills. No matter how many years I have spent dancing ball dancing is still pretty new to me.
As we are walking in the backstage, listening to Cecily's reassuring words has actually a very calming effect on me. I have already learnt during the long years of training and being an idol that one cannot let the audience see if anything went wrong, you have to keep going and do your best. But it has been a while since anyone has told me that I'm supposed to enjoy a performance because that what it's about.
"Haha, okay. I'll try my best," I promise noona and lightly squeeze the hand she has over my shoulder before she goes up to the stage before me.
I can hear the people clapping and the MCs telling something about our part of the show in advance to everyone who's watching the television. However, I only focus on getting into the right position after shooting a smile around in general. Then as soon as the first accords of the song reach my ears, I put a metaphorical mask on and become the role I'm supposed to play during this 3 minutes and then I start to dance.
While I move to the rhythm, I don't really think, every step almost comes up on autopilot and it's easy, the way we move together with noona. I'm relieved that every turn and lift works out fine, even the ones that caused us some troubles during practice but by the end of the song, I think we made a close to perfect job and as soon as the clapping starts, I can't help but break out into a smile. I pull up noona from the ending position and smile at her too, proud and happy. I don't even notice that I don't let go off her hands, not even while we are waiting for the jury's evaluation.

The three minutes of our performance seems to be so long yet it passes quickly and we’re done in a blink of an eye. I squeeze Sungjin’s hand to provide and also get some emotional support while we are waiting for the judges to share their opinions on our first dance. Despite the heavy panting and the adrenalin still rushing through my veins I try to act composed in front of the camera, but I can’t wipe off the proud smile whenever I steal a glance at my amazing partner. Proud is not enough to express what I feel at the moment, the joy, the respect and gratitude towards this boy who was absolutely nervous and didn’t have enough time to prepare properly over the one week, yet he stood out there and nailed it. I want to hug him so bad and sing praises of him, but first I have to listen to our scores.
The judges are always strict, sometimes stricter than they should be, but even they seem to be amazed by our performance which tells a lot. Of course they mention our small mistakes, give advices and involve us in the conversation as well, I’m really happy when they say what they liked the most is that we really enjoyed ourselves back there and we weren’t rigid like most couples before us were. It’s already a win for me that they acknowledge this. We get our points (30 out of 40 with two 7 and two 8 ), say some words to the camera then head backstage quickly to give the dancefloor to the next pair.
When the cameras are not around anymore and we pass by the staff, make it back to our dressing room, Sungjin-ah doesn’t have time to properly close the door behind us because I’m already throwing myself at him, buzzing with energy and enthusiasm.
“Come here, you amazing boy! You were so good out there, I’m so proud of you! I know it’s just our first show, but thank you for being such a great partner already!” I pat his back as I hug him, his body is the only thing that keeps me anchored to the ground, unless I would have already started jumping up and down not being able to stop myself from expressing my delight with my whole body. I know I tend to be a lot when I’m excited, but I just can’t contain my feelings. Sungjin-ah has been honest with me throughout our practices, so I trust him to tell me when something I do bothers him. I would fully understand.
I don’t have much time until the last two dances finish, and the professional dancers close the night with a group dance as we usually do, so I can’t talk that much to Sungjin, because I have to quickly change dresses and get ready before the small commercial break ends. I can’t wait to be out on the stage again with my colleagues, group dances are always huge and our choreographers always find a way to do something new each time. When we get into position before the song starts, I secretly hope that Sungjin-ah would like watching this performance as well back from our dressing room.
After everything goes smoothly with this performance as well, the only thing left is to line up to see who leaves tonight and who stays in the competition by the MCs calling our names one by one, but not before the judges speak one last time for us, saying some words about tonight and what do they think of the pairs so far. I can’t really talk to Sungjin-ah with everyone around us and the cameras in our faces, but I hope that from the squeeze of my hands (I take his left hand into both of mines as I half turn my body towards him) he knows that no matter what happens, I would be still thankful for him and never get mad at him.

When I was watching episodes of previous shows it made me curious how the dancers feel when they stand there in front of the professional jury, waiting for the verdict that will most likely decide their fate for the rest of the show, but now living through the real thing, it's much more exciting. It reminds me of the times we had to prove ourselves with D3CODE but this time it's not that stressful, I know it's not the end of a dream if we get eliminated. It makes it easier to enjoy the stage and being here, because I try to look at it as a great experience from what I want to learn the most. But I can't let myself be too worried about it or too focused because we have our comeback preparations in the meantime too and I feel like I'm being unfair to my mentor with this approach but she always make sure to reassure me that she can see I work hard and I don't intend to change on that.
What's easy through the TV screens but nerve-wrecking in real life is the time while we wait for the points. 30 out of 40 might not seem much and I would be disappointed for showing only 80% when it could have been a 100% if I just put everything into it, but I know that in these shows maximum points are pretty rare and it's actually a quite good result for our first performance. Not to mention that there were many other pairs getting smaller points, so we are not really in the danger zone.
However, what I absolutely do not expect is Hayoon hugging me out of happiness as soon as we reach the dressing room. My hand slips off the handle of the door just in time to wind around her waist keeping us balanced. It's mostly on instincts, learning through the week how to catch her but this time it's not for dance and her words mean a lot. So I let out a chuckle at her enthusiasm.
"I... uh... you're welcome, but I think I should be the one thanking you for teaching me so well," I admit as I hug her back. I still need a bit of time to let go of my conservative upbringing when it comes to her because noona has so much carefreeness in her beautiful smiles and each of her moves that I feel rigid next to her with sticking to the Korean standard etikett. I don't mind the closeness with her, not even how straightforward she is, I'm actually happy she doesn't treats me like a dongsaeng, so I'm trying my best being just as casual with her too.
Sadly we don't have much time to discuss our mistakes and what we could improve for next week or to just be glad over our points because the hassle behind the scenes never stop and she's rushed to get changed while a girl comes to fix my makeup ruined by sweating. But like this I have time to catch my breath and answer a few texts I got commenting on the show before the MC introduces the dance of professional dancers.
Watching the screen in the dancing room I can only stare. I's different from the performances I'm used to by idol groups but maybe that's exactly why it manages to charm me. I'm still under its effect when Cecily walks back to dressing room.
"You were amazing out there, noona! I couldn't take my eyes off you," I blurt out with a wide smile when I greet the woman back in the backstage after the performance. But it's not like we could talk a lot since the announcement of results are coming up soon and everything happens so fast I can barely comprehend  the names called one after other. The only thing anchoring me in this excitement is the gentle squeeze of my dance partner's hand.
"... Cecily and D3CODE's Sungjin!" the MC hollers and I can barely mumble out a confused what? before noona jumps into my neck. It's out of reflect that I lift her off the floor and turn a bit with her in the air. The MC calls us show-off but I just laugh and join the other couples in the safe zone where we get the genre of the next dance after we say goodbye to the first pair of the show. Next week we will dance the queen of dances, the waltz which I'm pretty excited about but I only have time tell that to noona after all the cameras are off, the set is being taken apart and we have both changed back into our normal clothes.
"So... see you on Monday?" I ask with a wide smile and sadly basically as a goodbye because the manager nudges me from the behind.

I don’t know what makes me act the way I do when the MC finally says our names as another couple joining the second live show without being even close to the danger zone, I barely realize my own actions, my body moves on instinct and the next I notice is that my feet leave the ground and hang in the air while Sungjin-ah turns with us. I hold onto his neck tightly and it’s actually hard to let him go once my feet are back on the floor again. Though I can’t let my emotions dictate as I’m very aware of all the cameras around us and the audience both here and at home watching every movement closely. However, I still feel the tingling of his touch around my waist even when we walk up to the other couples, his hand nowhere near my body at this point. I try to shut it out, but it’s definitely there, though it doesn’t make my wide grin disappear the rest of the night.
We exchange congratulations with other couples, talk a bit here and there until the staff makes us move towards the final part of the evening, getting next week’s assignment. I’m in the middle of a hurried talk with Jiwon, the only male friend of mine who is also my professional dance partner when it comes to group dances, when they call for my attention as it’s our turn to open the envelope Sungjin already holds in his hands. The waltz is one of my favourites, nothing is more beautiful or emotional than that, so I’m pretty satisfied with it being the next dance we have to perfect. I hope Sungjin-ah doesn’t mind it either, most unprofessionals don’t like it because it’s slow and has to be more precise and delicate than any other dances full of catchy movements to a quick rhythm. I don’t worry though, I know he has enough talent to do just as well next week as he did tonight, and it’s actually an even better chance to show his exceptional talent.
I’m a bit sad when his manager nudges him to hurry so we can barely say proper goodbyes to each other, and I would like to talk to him a bit more about tonight when we have both calmed down and can look back to our performance and evaluate ourselves, but I understand he has other obligations outside the show and I’m actually grateful and quite impressed he still agreed to participate in it with his already hectic schedule.
“Yes, get your well-deserved rest before that and see you fully charged with energy on Monday,” I pat his shoulder, leaning a bit closer to make sure he hears me because a lot of people are talking loudly right now as vip guests and relatives swarmed backstage really quickly. Of course I know he might not have time to rest that much, but that’s not my business and I want to give him some encouraging words before he goes home.
I watch his back until he disappears at the end of the corridor, though I don’t have time to feel alone as my lovely best friend Shinnie is suddenly by my side out of nowhere and hugging me tightly. Then, she waits for me to collect my stuff and then we head out for a girl’s night we haven’t had in a long time.